How To Tame Your Impulsive Behaviour And Make Healthier Decisions
And 3 Reasons Why You Haven't Tamed Them Already.
We all know what it feels like to resist an urge. Whether it's to itch an insect bite, eat a cookie, or smoke a ciggie, it's not a nice feeling.
So I want to share why the common strategies for taming impulses don't work, and what I've found to be the best solution.
1 Why Resisting Urges Doesn't Work
Everyone tries to resist their urges.
Let's say you're trying to kick the habit of eating junk food. At some point you'll inevitably feel the urge to wolf down a burger, eat the candy, or indulge whatever your vice is.
Part of you really wants to feel the pleasure, but another part of you wants to resist the impulse - after all, you promised yourself you'd eat healthier. So you wage a battle with yourself.
But you'll always lose this battle is because1:
Suffering = Pain x Resistance
This equation tells us that pain is inevitable; there's clearly less short-term pleasure when you don't eat the cookie.
But by resisting urges, you magnify the pain you feel. This increases how much you suffer.
As more time passes, the resistance to the urge only goes up. Eventually this makes the suffering unbearable, to the point where you have no choice but to give in.
You flick up the DoorDash app on your phone and order a Burger King, or whatever.
It tastes good; the internal tension melts.
But soon you'll feel guilty for giving in to the urge. You'll promise to fight it harder next time and cook the wilting broccoli in your fridge... and the cycle will repeat itself.
Inflicting more suffering on yourself is clearly not the way.
2 Why Changing Your Identity Doesn't Work
James Clear suggested the idea of changing you identity in his bestselling book, Atomic Habits. He says that the most powerful way to instil good habits or kick bad ones is to change your identity and be someone who doesn't eat junk food, rather than someone who can't eat junk food.
Being healthy becomes who you are, which is meant to make good behaviours easier.
Theoretically, this reduces the suffering equation, because it lowers the amount of resistance. But there's still an element of restriction to your identity, even if it's a good restriction.
This restriction still translates to resistance, so there's still some suffering.
Also in my opinion, it's a bit weak to just sort of try and change your identity by using affirmative words. You only change your identity by changing the way you choose to act.
That's why I don't think this approach is great either.
3 Why "Surfing The Urge" Doesn't Work Really Well
This final approach can give good results, but it's not perfect either.
The idea of surfing the urge is acknowledging that urges come and go, so the best thing to do is sit with the uncomfortable feeling and embrace it, until it passes.2 Eventually, it will fade and you won't feel like eating the cookie any more.
Surfing the urge definitely reduces the amount of resistance in the suffering equation, but not completely. This is because while you stop resisting the discomfort you feel, you’re still resisting the action itself.
So it is helpful, but I don't think it's ideal.
4 The Solution: Embrace A State Of Couldness
What the hell's a state of couldness?3
Couldness is a state of near-zero resistance. It's a state of mind where, instead of fighting to stop yourself from acting on your impulse, you genuinely tell yourself:
"I could eat that cookie, and I'm giving myself full permission to get it if I want to. But right now, I'm choosing to eat something else instead."
The idea is to let yourself consider it as an option that you're truly free to exercise. There’s now near-zero resistance to the idea of eating the cookie.
Pain x Near-Zero Resistance = Near-Zero Suffering.
From this state of near-zero suffering, it's much, much easier to intentionally choose a better option, because you remind yourself that you are in control of your decisions.
It's empowering.
When you enter a state of couldness, you enter a state of potential; the potential to do something better.
Instead of completely shutting off all bad options, you fully acknowledge that in this moment, you could smoke the cigarette, eat your 10th cookie, or do whatever the fuck you like.
From couldness, you have the power of choosing the path you want, rather than resisting the path you don't.
So when it comes to taming impulsive and short-term choices, I encourage you to embrace the state of couldness rather than the state of resistance.
And now for some endearing humour, here's a bunch of kids (mostly) failing to embrace the state of couldness:
One Liners
“Like fallen leaves, the wisdom we have gathered will go back to the earth to nourish the next cycle of life.” -
“Even when you’re lying on the dark wet bottom of a gigantic hole, you can hint the light from afar as you squeeze your eyes together. You’re being watched. Guarded. Guided.” -
“Turns out everything, no matter how intimidating, is just a conversation.” -
Recommended reading from Substack:
- on quietening the mind to open the heart.
- explores the differences and joys of journalling, keeping a diary, and having a dirty notebook.
- deep-dives into the history of the internet, and visions for its future.
- invites to talk about the role of AI in writing.
- transports you to Heliopolis.
Recommended reading beyond Substack:
The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris.
Song of the week:
I've come across urge surfing through two different places. First was in Nir Eyal's book, Indistractible, and second was Russ Harris' book, The Happiness Trap.
The "couldness" strategy has worked well for me when changing small habits, like drinking caffeine--habits I still want to occasionally indulge. I currently drink coffee two or three days a week, and feel very little resistance or suffering on the mornings I choose not to, even though I always kind of want it. Telling myself I have the option makes it much easier!
But big habits--like cocaine--have required a much stronger cold-turkey approach, full of self-reproach and strong resistance. It's been the same for friends who quit smoking. That feeling of "couldness" is an enemy, because one slip and you're off the wagon. Sometimes you just have to muscle through Option 1, as fallible as it is.
I didn’t know about that stage really interesting as you mentioned is that decisions!! Making emphasis in what you said if you say don’t you will also want something more so this strategy is about a decision you make rather than a objection really good!!