I never understood why my friends had sad music playlists. Why would anyone want to listen to sad music when they’re already in the dumps? What’s the point of wallowing in the sadness?
It turns out my thinking was based on unquestioned, black-and-white assumptions about emotions: some of them are bad, we can control them, and they get in the way of clear thinking.
Now I’ve come to realise we’re less in control of our emotions than we think, and trying to control emotions isn’t the best way to deal with them. Emotions aren’t just thoughts in our minds, but also physiological processes in our bodies. They’re an amalgamation of signals, telling us about our current state. Pleasant or not, they’re a constant backdrop to our awareness, like a tinted pair of sunglasses. And as much as we like to think we’re rational decision makers, we’re actually emotional ones (destroying emotional centres in the brain robs our ability to make good decisions).
So if we can’t control our emotions, they’re always with us, and there’s no such thing as a bad one, what are we meant to do with them?
Well, we’re meant to feel them. Not label, not psychoanalyse - just feel.
Tuning into emotions lets us do two things. First, it encourages fluidity. By giving an emotion space, it can more easily run its course and allow the next one to flow through. The alternative of suppression and ignorance keeps us stuck in a tiring state of resistance and misalignment with ourselves.
Second, by acknowledging and even savouring all our emotions, we can notice how they tint our perspective. This awareness allows us to adjust our actions to remain aligned with our values, rather than be subject to the whims of our impulses.
After years of ignoring them, many of us (myself included) struggle to fully feel our emotions.
I’d add music to the list as a simple and accessible tool anyone can use. People love music because of how it makes them feel. The harmonies reverberate within us, magnifying the emotions we experience. While it’s tempting to listen to music as way to drown out how we feel, I propose we let it help us tune in.
So today, I invite you to try the following.
Put your music app on shuffle mode and flick through the songs that come up, trying out each one for a couple of seconds. When a song feels right for the moment, sit with it. Enjoy the song and savour the emotions it brings up. For those few minutes, let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling in your body, and let the music magnify it. There’s no need to think about why you’re feeling a certain way. There’s no need to label your feeling either.
Just feel.
Then carry on with your day, and let me know what you notice.
You could not have picked a more exquisite piece of music than Max Richter's "On the Nature of Daylight." Companion piece: https://open.spotify.com/track/1CSaCKPIp2yCIDL3t7Fyau?si=f2a9b3b70f234890
Completely agree! I think I should take a screenshot of the following words and make them my phone's lock screen picture:
'So if we can’t control our emotions, they’re always with us, and there’s no such thing as a bad one, what are we meant to do with them?
Well, we’re meant to feel them. Not label, not psychoanalyse - just feel.'