Welcome to Insight Axis, where I make connections between practical philosophy, technology, books, science, and more. I’m Zan - follow me on Substack.
Chapter 1: Clouds
It was 2 a.m.
I just got home after a 14 hour shift. My mind was cloudy - I felt like I was wandering through a mist of half-baked, anxiety provoking notions, with no end in sight. The clouds were hiding imaginary monsters; leaps to illogical conclusions, flashing images of worst case scenarios, feelings of dread and unease. All at once.
This was how I felt every day when I returned from work, and every Sunday when I prepared to face another week. It was odd, because I was good at my job, and I was competent. People liked working with me, and I liked working with them. So why did I have this ambiguous and dreadful veil in my mind?
No matter what I tried, nothing could clear the clouds. The opacity made me feel vague and doubtful. I knew something wasn't right, but the haze stopped me from seeing it or describing it.
Chapter 2: Snow
Weeks passed.
The clouds in my mind started to become so dense, they coalesced. Finally, I could almost catch these thoughts - but they were delicate as snowflakes, and melted away before I could examine them. Fleeting by, they whispered to me:
"I don't think this is the job for me, but I just don't know why"
... and then it would disappear.
"This is not the right path, but I don't know what is"
... and then it would melt.
"This is not sustainable, something needs to change"
... and then it floated away.
Chapter 3: Glacier
Months passed.
The few and scattered snowflakes started falling faster and faster. Finally, the snowfall culminated in a blizzard of anger, which eventually subsided and brought clarity in a way that only anger can.
With that clarity, the thought was finally uncovered:
"This is not the career I want to have."
It wasn’t a complicated thought, but finally it was clear enough for me to hold, examine and contemplate. Subconsciously, I had known for a while, but finally I could clearly see it, and calmly say it. It was hard to say out loud, as I’d been working towards this job for close to a decade. And now I was telling those that supported me through my journey that I wanted to give it up and change direction. Nevertheless, I said it. First to my loved ones, and then to friends and others.
Now it was time to solidify the thoughts into ice. It was time for the fallen snow to crystallise into a glacier.
It was time to write.
If I'm honest, the writing didn't go so well to start with. I hadn't written for years, and my ideas were garbled and mangled. Regardless, it felt like the right thing to do to share it with the world, and lift the weight off myself. And so I published my first short essay on
, titled Vote with your feet:“You owe it to yourself to be in your own niche, where you are playing the games you create, that you are best at. Vote with your feet. Create or find an environment that works for you, so that your work feels like play.”
Through writing, I realised that the problem wasn't me. The problem was the environment I was working in. I wasn't deficient - I just wasn't in a place where I could thrive and lean into my real skills.
Chapter 4: River
A year passed.
After I'd written out my thoughts, the clarity in my mind was unwavering. But it still took a year after the thought crystallised for me to leave my job. It was a year of small actions and decisions that eventually led to the final step of resignation. I spent the time laying the foundations for a new role, choosing a new challenge and building a new environment where I could thrive and not just survive.
But once I left my job, something interesting happened.
The solid glacier of my written thought melted, and gave way to a river. The compelling thought loosened its grip on my mind, and made space for something new.
The water in the river started to evaporate, and form new clouds.
This time, I wasn't scared of the cloudy thoughts, because I now knew that they will eventually condense and clearly show me the way.
So I embraced them, and trusted that they contained what I needed. And in embracing them, the process of turning clouds, into snow, into glaciers, into rivers became native.
It showed me that the answer will reveal itself when the time is right.
Chapter 5: Practical Philosophical Takeaways
Thoughts are emergent phenomena, presenting themselves to you from the cloudy subconscious. They come unforced, in their own time.
Even deceptively simple thoughts can take years to become clear.
What you do with a thought is up to you - but you can’t choose to “not think” it.
Feelings of unease and vagueness should be embraced and given space - only then will they condense into something discernible and meaningful that can direct you. If they are forced away, they'll morph into pain and dysfunction.
The metaphor of clouds → snow → glacier describes the emergence of thoughts as they descend from the lofty and unreachable skies of the subconscious, down to the fixed written word.
To write and speak is to think as clearly as you possibly can. No other language is as broad, yet as precise. Not maths, not physics, and not code. The written word is primary.
Acknowledgments
I don’t usually write about personal experience, and I never planned to. I only have the Substack community to thank for inspiring me to venture out of my usual comfort zone.
initially planted the seed of this idea about a month ago. The openness, rawness and talent of writers , , , , , , , and has been the real inspiration for me to creatively combine practical philosophy and personal experience. Thank you.Recommended reading from Substack:
🧐
explains abstractions.🔍
sees the world through glass.🥋
captures the beginner’s mind and tells us why we should be proud of wearing a white belt.🔲
on the perils of false dichotomies and the limitations of black and white thinking.- makes the case that emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than IQ.
Recommended reading beyond Substack:
Civilized to Death: The Price of Progress by Christopher Ryan
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I learn from my readers, so leave a comment with your thoughts and I’ll find you there!
Beautifully written, Zan, and an experience I can also relate to. I enjoyed your style and use of the water metaphor.
Thank you Zan! My dad used to tell me to follow my dreams and I won’t work another day in my life.